Drabble Me Confused
by Band8PGeek
Summary: 100-word portraits of life in Bikini Bottom, chance occurences and things that may or may not have happened. From angst to fluff, from pairings to canon.
1. Mistake

_**Drabble Me Confused  
**__100-word portraits of life in Bikini Bottom, chance occurences and things that may or may not have happened._

Disclaimer: Me no owny. Not beatin' about the bush this week.

* * *

"Ow! OWWW! Jeez it that hurts! Ok, I'm sorry I said that, but I – Oww! That was uncalled for, San—wait, what are you doing now? Oh don't you – _ooooow neptune it doesn't bend that way!!"_

Squidward learned a hard lesson in the treedome that day.

The appropriate response to the news that your one time shag that you only vaguely remember with a girl you didn't care about created unwanted life?

If you wanted to stay alive, it was **not** "Well… uh… shit."


	2. Song

Music was his life. OK, that was technically lying - his life consisted mostly of working at the best job in the world and having good times with friends who were always... well, almost always there for him. But music certainly made up a large part of it. He was constantly breaking into song, no matter what the occasion.

Despite this, though, there was only one song he refused to sing. No offense meant on his best bud or anything, and maybe Pearl really wanted a birthday tune.

But "Twinkle Twinkle Patrick Star"? Seriously?


	3. Wonder

Karen often wondered why she'd gotten with Plankton in the first place. After all, who would be the wife of a so-called evil genius who had a surprisingly loose grasp on the world around him and had most likely gone insane over the years? Who would be stupid enough to put up with it? Every day she thought about it, trying in vain to remember what possessed her to be installed in his life.

Then every night Plankton plugged in his "USB pen", and the answer came back to her, if only for a little while.


	4. Feelings

Someone once said "Eyes are the windows into the soul". In Patrick's case, the curtains remain firmly closed.

In fact, if he just stands there, staring at you with his normal face, you'd never be able to tell quite what he's feeling. He could despise you for some unknown reason. He could be wondering how to get on your good side for his advantage. He could be totally apathetic towards you, seeing you as only another blob in a ...blob-ful life?

Hell, he could be thinking about what he had for breakfast. Who knows?


	5. Rich

Being rich was no walk in the park. Not for Mr Krabs, anyway.

First he had to keep track of all the money earned from his sinecure of sitting on his backside and watching his underpaid employees do the work, be it willingly or grudingly. Then there was the matter of storing it - safes that don't jam after five unlocks are very hard to come by.

These, combined with the other troubles of being rich, sometimes made him envy the poor people.

But the pros of billionaireship far outweighed the cons.


	6. Hate

"I hate you."

"No you don't."

"Heh, yes I do, I should know that better than anyone."

"Then what do you call this?"

"Uh...we just happen to be sharing a bed. Can't people who hate each other share a bed?"

"Feeble lies don't suit the guy who fucked me five times already."

"Technically, _you _fucked _me_. Remember, you begged to be on top."

"Oh. Yeah. You're still wrong though, Squiddy, as always."

"Shut the hell up, Fancyson."


	7. Similar

Retrospectively, Gary and Patrick had lots in common.

One was a snail of simple pleasures, the other a starfish with no aspiration.  
One was content with a full bowl of snailfood, the other content with a full bowl of icecream.  
One enjoyed pimpin' with the ladies, the other did the same... in his dreams.  
Perfect match.

So sometimes, when SpongeBob got too much for him, Gary slipped away for an impromptu sleepover with Patrick. He knew the ruckus that would rise when he got back.  
But it was worth it.


	8. Worse

_They're looking at you. You know they are, and I know you know. Their eyes are following you, naturally seeing the clumsiness beneath the skin._

_What have you gotten into, Stanley? Moving into a town as a stranger, from a town as an outcast._

_I know that I'm your cousin, and I'm supposed to protect you from mockery. But there's only so much I can do for you. _

_Will I only make things worse?_

"What are you thinking, SpongeBob?"

"Nothing."


	9. Pity

Jellyfish: naturally beautiful, simplistic and serene. Buzzing away without a care or a worry besides a playful swipe of the net to trap it in a temporary cage.

Kevin envied them at times because of this. But at the same time, he pitied them - at the end of the day, they were lower life forms. No intelligence or feeling or "coolitude".

Still, he wasn't LYING when he said that he wanted to be reincarnated as a jellyfish. He was just telling his followers what they wanted to hear.  
Which was good, right?


	10. Block

"Pearl, I don't think you're meant to be doing that. Pearl? Pearl, could you please stop - yes, I know you love him very much, and I understand that, because I - no, I am **not **questioning your feelings! All I'm saying is, could you please NOT make out with him on the grill? I'm trying to make Krabby Patties, and I can't if you're blocking my way. Besides, I don't want Mr Krabs to fire me because of you."

SpongeBob's protests were in vain; Pearl and her latest squeeze continued their antics regardless.


	11. Find

Plankton knew it was to be a bad day when he woke up to find that his waterbed had sprung a smelly leak.  
It got worse when he remembered that he didn't have a waterbed.  
It got even worse when he found naked Squidward sleeping alongside, shrunken to his size.

The real kicker?  
That "Turn People Into Nymphomaniacs So That They'll Be Too Distracted To See Me Steal The Formula" machine looked strangely... used.

_Mental note: never let anyone but my wife test my inanely named inventions ever again. _


	12. Cliche

_I feel like such a walking cliche.  
_This thought kept interrogating SpongeBob's brain, its host fidgeting outside the rock.  
_I should just turn around and go home.  
_But he couldn't. Not now he'd gotten this far.  
_We're best friends. Best friends can't fall in love. Can they?  
_Knees knocked, eyes darted, heart pounded.  
_I have to do this.  
I HAVE to do this.  
I..._

_I can't do this._

So another night passed without his unrequited love.


	13. Unconventional

Personally, Larry couldn't see why he was getting flack for his current relationship with Squilliam. It wasn't as if it was unconventional.

_"Look, you're a popular guy who needs someone to swoon over your manly muscles and I'm a rich guy who needs to make my boyfriend jealous, what do you say we get together and make the whole community mad at our awesomeness, and maybe get in a couple of fucks while we're at it?"_

OK, so maybe it was **slightly **unconventional. But what relationship isn't?


	14. Angry

Man Ray was far angrier than usual in his cave that day. And that was saying something.  
Who the hell did that little bitch think she was?

It wasn't enough that he was desparate. It wasn't enough that he'd finally started to get her to see his point of view. It wasn't enough that he was _experienced_.  
She just had to get pissy on him.

He just wanted a new sidekick before he hit jail for good. Even if she **was** part of the IJLSA.

Bitch.


	15. Land

It was more highly attended than anyone, even his children and wife, had anticipated. Even the undersea creatures that he'd adored came up to the surface just for him.

Even though they had never met the guest of honor face to face, his deeds had spread into the seas of Bikini Bottom. Their biggest fan, their rabid reputation bodyguard, the representative of everything the aquatic town stood for. Even his winged companion could testify this.

None of them could help but cry seeing the coffin drifting out to sea, just as he would have wanted.

God speed, Patchy the Pirate.


	16. Point

Squidward was killing time at the cash register when Patrick came up to him, looking relatively nonchalant.

"Hey Squidward? Do you like crybabies?"

"Uh, no," muttered Squidward, wondering what THAT had to do with anything.

"And do you like weenies who constantly bother you?"

"Hell no."

"And do you like sponges who are completely useless in bed?"

"No - Patrick, is there a point to this?"

"Good."  
POW - Squidward got face punched.  
"Then you wouldn't mind staying away from my boyfriend."


	17. Carnage

The fire was devastating. The whole restaurant went down with the flames. And if Mr Krabs hadn't reacted so quickly, so would have the people within.

"Is everyone OK out here?" called the crustacean once the carnage had died down. "SpongeBob? Me customers? Me money?"

A quick survey proved all to still be intact.

Even the charred octopus hacking out smoke in the corner.

"Oh, yeah, and Mr Squidward too," he quickly added, "he's the one I really care--"

"Too late, Mr Krabs," Squidward spat. "Too fucking late."


	18. Free

SpongeBob sometimes wondered what it was like to be free, having escaped from authority's clutches. Sometimes, he tried to recreate that feeling too.

Non-conformity with the jellyfish worked for a while, but painful repercussions resulted. Learning to fly with said jellies only earned him ripped pants. And let's not even return to the _Atlantis_ incident.

No matter what SpongeBob did, no crusade for freedom surpassed riding the trolley through the supermarket aisle at top speed, feet on wheels, wind through pores. It was only ever then that he felt truly free.


	19. Glass

Glass was only a standard solid when she thought about it. Smooth, hard, but easily broken. A random passerby or treedome visitor could break it at any point, endangering her life (if the helmet smashed) and possibly theirs (treedome).

So what was stopping Sandy from reinforcing her fragile lifestyle with something 'stabler', such as stainless steel or gold?

Maybe she liked living on the edge. Maybe she just never got around to it.

Or perhaps she was simply biding her time until something gave, constantly mentally calculating who would save her first.


	20. Tact

When the chips were down, Patrick was desperate for a date. He didn't think about it often, but when he did, he thought of nothing else.

His chosen dame-catching method was somehow typical of him. He asked random girls in the street what a particular cloud look like; they'd say "a flower", guaranteed.  
"Really?" he'd reply. "I could've sworn it looked like - " here he described the female in question – "sucking off a starfish in green shorts."

Then he'd get an ice-pack or band-aid for the subsequent bruises.


	21. Body

In preparation for the second bimonthly tapdancing competition, Squidward made a change to his diet/exercise regime. The latter went up; the former went down, up and out.  
Before, he'd just stopped eating altogether. This time, he tried a different approach: keeping food in the system for exactly three minutes before up chucking in the nearest bathroom. His throat was drenched by the effects of the bulimia, but he didn't care.

He was punishing his body for only getting third place last time, and showing it what would happen if it failed again.


	22. Concern

Patrick was very concerned when he came across his best friend threatening his wrists with a cutlery tool.

"What are you doing, SpongeBob?" he asked.  
"I can't live this life anymore, Patrick. Since _Jim_ stole my frycook crown, I hit rock bottom, and I can't get back up. I should just end it now while I can, it's better this way."  
Gasp. "SpongeBob, don't you dare THINK of going that way!"  
"Thanks for the sentiment, Pat, but--"  
"First, that's a butter knife," interrupted Patrick. "Secondly, you're holding it upside down."


End file.
